a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
