R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
