i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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