he referred to my room as the tit cave...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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