I will die if light touches me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
