once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
