Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
