I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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