Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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