yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
