the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
