farters have to be the big spoon...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
