He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
