yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
