It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
don't judge my taste in strippers
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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