I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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