i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Houston, we have a squirter
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
