I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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