he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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