i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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