My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
