just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
