Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The uberlube is also flammable
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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