its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
