Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
