i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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