I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
