I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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