I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
