i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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