do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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