do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
