everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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