I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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