the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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