I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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