Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
