my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
