your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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