im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
