True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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