I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize