o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
