come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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