So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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