non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
