so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
