I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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