Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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