I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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