i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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