I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
