Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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