Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
