What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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