im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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