Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
