I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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