I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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